Fare The Well, 2020

This is the final Tuesday of 2020.  I look back with mixed emotions.  As with every year, I have experienced many highs and many lows.  The one constant this year was the company of my girlfriend, Michelle.  Close proximity to someone who cares a great deal for the person with whom they share the ups and downs lends a different perspective for me.  I had spent most of my time isolated in many ways the previous 2 years.  I tried my best to put on a face that reflected contentment and joy.  I even tried to experience these emotions.  I don’t seem to get the emotions right when left to myself.  I can only believe that what was missing was a stable frame of reference.

A stable frame of reference in 2020, my dear sweet Michelle helped me see that often when I felt that I had fallen short or missed the mark that I was still “ok.”  Being ok, sharing joy, and knowing contentment are, I am happy to say, emotions I can now say I am more familiar with.  I felt loved when I didn’t feel I deserved love.  I felt peace when all around me I saw chaos.  I felt warm when the world seemed a cold place.  I have her to thank for these things.  She has been a huge pain in my ass as well (and I in hers), but being a good Taoist, I am thankful for the variations as well.  Sometimes living is hard work.  I didn’t feel it worth the effort at times in 2019.

Oddly, all of the isolation and social trepidation of 2020 seem to have had little effect on me.  I did my best to stay in meaningful contact with my friends and found greater appreciation for the connections I did experience.  The older I get, the less significant time and space become.  I don’t wait so intensely for things I see down the road.  I don’t question my impact on this world and those in it quite so anxiously.  I am finding myself more in relation to myself and those who love me.  Time and space and a wandering mind have settled for me and become more tolerable.  For that I am grateful.  I am grateful for those who have endured my ups and downs faithfully and fearlessly.  I am grateful for the lessons this very peculiar year have taught.

I have always felt compelled to be better than I was the day before and less judgmental of those with whom I share this time and space, but with Michelle, devotedly by my side, I can see where I have strength as well as where I need to become stronger.  A few people whose presence and contributions I have been delighted with in this life have passed, but I also welcomed to this world and my life beautiful babies, shining treasures in tiny packages.  Michelle’s grandbabies, Hensly and her older brother Silas, have been the joyful additions to a group I affectionately refer to as “Kev’s Amazing Humans.”  I don’t have words to convey the happiness I feel when they look at me and smile.  It’s just the best.

So, 2020, thank you.  I close the book on this year, happy to have known you.  My heart is filled with love for the girl who helped me see all the good in me and that this world has to offer. I also see the rewards of every effort.  Be well, my friends.  I hope your 2021 is as blessed and filled with love as I know mine will be.  Kev loves ya.